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Question: Should he stay or should he go? That is the question on my mind a lot lately in regards to my 19-year-old son and his college career. He is a freshman in college and attends a local college so he is still living at home. He failed or came close to failing about half of his classes last year. He is taking some summer classes to make up for it. He is not doing all that well in those. When he applies himself, he gets very good grades. I know he is discouraged and isn’t really enjoying his classes. He doesn’t know what he wants to major in so he is taking all general studies courses. It’s time to register for his fall classes and I honestly wonder if he should even go or take a year off to work. I feel like discovering that a minimum wage job that doesn’t excite him may help motivate him to go back to school and put the work in. Of course, I also worry he may never be motivated to go back to school. Through it all, I am trying to let him be an adult and figure stuff out on his own. What’s a mom to do?
Answer: What a quandary! Should he stay or should he go? Parents and students are struggling with this question for many reasons this year. In your case, some important questions to consider come to mind. Parts of this question may be answered as every college is looking at COVID-19 plans for this next year, however, some of the things you discuss are good to explore no matter what the situation.
Is he depressed? There a few “red flags” in the behaviors you report:
“He failed or came close to failing about half his classes…”
“He is not doing well in summer school”
“He is discouraged and not enjoying his classes”
These things in light of “When he applies himself, he gets very good grades” leave me concerned that he may be depressed, and if that is the case, a visit to the primary care provider is needed. Evaluating these things along with his sleep, activity patterns, eating habits (weight gain or loss), social interaction and connection with others (hard to do with the pandemic) may indicate help is needed. Any time the behavior of teens and children veers from what their normal behavior is may indicate there is more going on. Think of it this way—when we see a young child or pet not acting as usual, we explore what is going on medically. Psychological changes in behavior are just as important indicators of wellness, which deserve our attention.
What does he want? In many homes, the concept of going to college is an expectation. Some children grow up with college as part of family culture. This is a good influence for most children, but there is a saying about square pegs not fitting in round holes. The thinking on this is changing, especially now with the expense of college; many are finding that careers in the trades, arts, or technology may not need a 4-year degree. The message is: college is not for everyone. The expense alone may be a good reason to have him wait until he feels more confident.
It is not uncommon for him to not know what he wants to study. He could also be studying the wrong thing, something that doesn’t fit his interests and abilities. Most college curricula offer the non-elective required classes first, and for some, these are not exciting. Meeting with a counselor to help him explore his strengths and anxieties would be very helpful. Also, looking at what your son is attracted to, such as important issues like climate change and social justice or areas like travel, political events, sports, technology, etc., can help him identify careers that fit his skills, interests, and abilities. It is amazing how interest can spark his achievement.
Has anything happened to derail his thinking about his path forward? Is there discord at home, has there been a loss, trauma, or a break off of a significant relationship? Could he be using substances that are negatively affecting him? If a teen can talk with someone about what they are feeling around these types of occurrences, they can get the help they need and find their footing again.
A “gap year” may be a chance for your son to mature. You are right to consider that a year of a job working with the public may help him have a better understanding of what he wants and doesn’t want. It would also increase his social connections. Volunteering can also help him learn more about himself while he helps others. If he is willing, have him talk with some of your friends who have interesting jobs and careers and see if they would be willing to have him job shadow them. If he does take a year off, be sure to work together on expectations for that year: a job, volunteering, and exploring options. Be clear it is not a year to be playing video games.
Lastly, this is about you. Your instincts are right. Something is troubling your son. He needs your support to help him problem-solve and look at options. If you are paying for the education, you do have some power. That education dollar needs to be well spent, and he can know that it will be there when he is ready. Let him know you see the changes and you are concerned. Let him know that it is okay not to know just yet, but you are willing to help him find the right path forward. Let him know you want to help.
Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children, and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals."
