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Question for the experts: I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I go on and off diets--never with much success. Lately my 12 year old daughter has started making some comments about her own weight (she is in no way overweight) that concern me. I fear my poor body image may be rubbing off on her. I'd like to open up a conversation with her but I'm not sure how. Any tips?
Answer from Luanne Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS: My first message is to you. You are not alone with your struggles with weight! Messages from a young age contribute to our constant critical view of our appearance. Your daughter is not exempt from these messages -- school, media images, family, even toys like Barbie all stress physical perfection. Perfection is totally unattainable, but the negative messages that send us down the road in the first place also interfere in other aspects of our emotional life. You are right in your concern that your fears do impact her. The important thing is that you seem to have insight into this, and that you would like to make her view of her body more wholesome and honest. You can make some message changes that can work positively for both you and her.
Try to change the language around your own dieting by changing your goal from losing weight to being healthier, stronger and having more energy. Make it a new family motto.
Focusing your attention on your daughter’s positive behaviors (like being a good friend, having compassion, positive attitude, concentrating on school work etc.) is more important than commenting on her hair, her looks, and her clothes. Some girls grow up only getting attention around their appearance. Try to communicate that she has many fine attributes!
We best take care of our families when we take care of ourselves. If your own unhappiness with your body image sabotages your happiness, relationships or interferes with your overall wellbeing, getting help for yourself through counseling can help. Coming to a greater acceptance of yourself will give you a whole lot of wisdom and words to help your daughter.
Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals."
