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A Parent Asks: My wife and I recently found out that my father spanked one of our children several months ago while babysitting. We do not spank our kids and my wife is furious. She refuses to allow my parents to babysit anymore. I was raised in a spanking household but it was rare. I think my parents know we don't spank but I obviously should have been more clear on our expectations when they babysit. This all happened some time ago but we only recently found out. What is the best way to approach my parents about the situation and also assure my wife that it would be okay for them to watch our kids again once our expectations are known?
Advocates Answers: This is a tricky question but so important! Children can greatly benefit from having a close relationship with their grandparents. Grandparents offer one of the most special relationships in your children’s lives and the attachment your children have with caring and loving adults prepares them for creating positive relationships throughout their lives. It sounds like you also benefit from having the support of your parents; raising children is so much easier when you have others you can rely on for help and an occasional break!
With that said, your parents must respect your parenting style and they will be more likely to do so if they truly understand where you are coming from. It sounds like your father resorted to a form of discipline that he is familiar with, but that’s not to say he won’t be open to learning other types of discipline strategies. The key is communication, not only with your parents but with anyone that watches your children. You may have many reasons for not spanking your children but here are some articles to help you to articulate the reasons:
It can feel awkward to have to communicate our feelings but sharing the way we feel is the quickest way to build relationships that foster trust and cooperation. Find a comfortable way to start the conversation: Call your parents, invite them over for dinner or write them a letter. However you choose to begin the conversation start on a positive note; tell your parents how important they are to you and your children and ask your parents what kind of grandparent they would like to be? Then share your parenting philosophy, including how you expect your children to be disciplined. Don’t expect them to ‘get it’ right away – often different generations have different ideas about parenting. Help your parents learn new forms of discipline and model for them how you would like your children to be disciplined.
It’s unfortunate that you find yourself in this difficult family dispute but it is definitely an opportunity for you and your wife to build better communication and a stronger extended family network.
Check out this resource for more on alternatives to spanking: http://stopspanking.org/resources/
