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A Parent Asks: My teenage son was asked to go on an overnight trip to his friend's camp about 3 hours away. We do not know the parents or the child at all. We are tempted to say no for that reason, especially because we found out they have multiple ATVs at the camp and we are concerned the parents may not have the same safety rules as we do about these. However, our son is very responsible and rarely asks to do anything with friends. We would really like to encourage him to do more. We did say we would like to meet his friend and their parents first and my son rolled his eyes and said that would be embarrassing. I don't think it is out of the question but also recognize that we need to start giving more freedom to him and know that he needs to make choices. How do we handle this best?
Advocates Answers: Wow, this is a tough question – it sounds like you want to support your son’s autonomy but you also want to make sure you’re not setting him up to be in a unsafe environment. The good news is you’re headed in the right direction: having a conversation with the friend’s parents is an absolute must. Regardless of how responsible your son is, he is still a teenager and may not yet have the ability to set limits, especially in an environment that is unfamiliar to him. Part of normal adolescent development includes becoming more independent before the teen has developed good decision-making skills. A strong need for peer approval may entice a young person to try dangerous feats, or take part in risk-taking behaviors. For this reason adolescents typically challenge authority figures, when in fact they still need their parents to set limits, which provide a safe boundary for them to grow and function.
A face to face conversation with the friend’s parents is encouraged but a phone call could be a compromise – as long as you get to discuss your safety concerns and share the rules that you would like respected while your son is away. This conversation might feel awkward at first but you may be surprised to find that the other parents are relieved to hear from you. Typically most parents want to know the parents of their children’s friends, so you’re doing them a favor by reaching out first. And think about it, wouldn’t you want to know what expectations another parent had of you if you were responsible for their kid overnight? This isn’t overstepping, this is just part of parenting a teenager.
If you do allow your son to go with his friend make sure he knows – absolutely – that he can contact you if there are any concerns while he is away. Make sure he has a charged cell phone with him for his trip. Also, be sure to get the address of the camp and the cell phone (or landline) number of the friend’s parents.
In the majority of circumstances, your son’s friend’s parents will feel the same way you do about wanting your son to feel comfortable and safe while with them. They will want the overnight trip to be a positive experience, and will want to foster a positive relationship between your son and theirs. Involvement and communication can facilitate great relationships.
