Ask Advocates: Your Parenting Questions Answered by the Experts at Advocates for Children
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Question: My son asked for a phone for Christmas and I am thinking of getting one but looking for ideas on what type of phone would be appropriate and also how to go about setting up parental guidance so as to make it safe. He is in middle school this year and a phone would be a good idea especially since he has after school activities and often has borrowed friends’ phones to call when he needs a ride.
Advocates for Children Answers: A quick Google search reveals that many parents are tackling the very same question and it’s an important one! One of the reasons this is such a tricky question is because there are many aspects to consider – the appropriate age for a first cell phone, making sure your child is safe when using a cell phone and how to set up and maintain appropriate parental oversight. You may want to think back to when you first started allowing your son to watch TV- you wouldn’t allow a young child to watch an R-rated movie nor would you want your child to be watching TV for hours on end. Cell phones guidance is similar; there should be rules in place if your son is to use a cell phone and it’s your job to provide strict oversight so that your son isn’t exposed to too much too soon.
Many parents site ‘safety’ as their number one reason for giving their child a cell phone. While cell phones do allow for easier and faster communication between parent and child, a cell phone can also potentially place your child in harm’s way if not appropriately monitored. As adults we might not consider the ‘adult world’ implications of having a cell phone, but they exist. Allowing your son to have a cell phone creates an independence that may, inadvertently, force him into adult-like situations he is not developmentally prepared for.
Check out this article for more reasons NOT to give your child a cell phone.
So what is the right age to give your child a cell phone? It doesn’t appear there is one simple answer. According to Caroline Knorr, parenting editor with the nonprofit group Common Sense Media, "Maturity and the ability to be responsible are more important than a child's numerical age.” It’s really about knowing your son and whether or not he is ready to responsibly handle having a cell phone.
Before purchasing a cell phone for your child, Knorr suggests you consider the following:
- How independent is your child?
- Does your child "need" to be in touch for safety reasons — or social ones?
- How responsible is your child?
- Can he be trusted not to text during class, disturb others with his conversations, and to use the text, photo, and video functions responsibly (and not to embarrass or harass others)?
- Does he really need a smart phone that is also a music device, a portable movie and game player, and portal to the Internet?
For more information and resources to help you navigate all the technology in your child’s life check out Common Sense Media’s website.
Scott Steinberg, author of ‘The Modern Parent's Guide to High-Tech Parenting,’ gives a more concrete answer. Steinburg says that many families introduce cell phones during the tween and teen years and suggests giving a child access to a cell phone when “they will be outside of easily accessible contact and the need to maintain communication is imperative.”
He also offers the following recommendations:
- Consider buying a cell phone that dials only your contact number, if and when kids need to come home alone. Prepaid cell phones can also let you limit call times and features, and monitor overall usage.
- Opt out of texting plans and choose a basic feature phone that forgoes bells and whistles such as downloadable apps and GPS tracking to limit children’s online interactions.
- Always read the manual, research and go hands-on with phones and smartphones before providing them to children. It's imperative to know the ins and outs of the cell phone you’re considering for your child before you give it to him or her.
- Consider restricting cell phone usage to only taking place in your presence until kids are mature enough to handle calls, texting and online interactions on their own.
Finally before handing over a cell phone to your child, you’ll want to set the ground rules first. WebMD has a great list of suggestions, below are a few examples (for the complete list click here.)
Set limits: Designate times that the cell phone needs to be turned off -- for instance, during family meals, after 10 p.m., and during school hours. Some families don't allow cell phones in children's rooms at night to keep kids from texting or making calls after bedtime. Insist that your child answer your calls and texts right away, and teach your child not to answer or return calls and texts from people they don't know.
Follow the same limits yourself: You have to walk your talk. If you don't want your child to use the phone during meals or while driving, follow those rules yourself. If you don't want him or her to compulsively check the phone, don't do so yourself. You are your child's No. 1 role model, whether your child admits it or not.
You may also want to consider having your son sign a contract, which clearly outlines your rules and expectations when using a cell phone. For an example, check out this “Media Time Family Pledge.”
It’s important to remember that when you give your son a cell phone you are potentially giving him a very powerful communication tool that he may not be fully ready for. If you think your son’s technology skills, not to mention his social skills, are not quite ready for being constantly connected to the world, you should know that it’s okay (despite your child’s pleas) to say ‘no, not yet.’ If you do choose to give your son a cell phone, be sure to clearly explain to him that the cell phone does not ‘belong’ to him, it belongs to you and he has the privilege of using it. Let’s face it, cell phones do make communication easier – the key here is to communicate with your child before making the decision to give him one.
