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A Parent Asks: My brother and his wife are going to be visiting us this summer. They have been trying to conceive for several years no with no luck. My husband and I recently found out we are pregnant with our third child. While we aren't yet at the stage of telling people, we will be by the time their visit comes around. I want to be open and honest with them while being sensitive to how they must feel each time they hear the news from someone that they are pregnant. Any thoughts on the best way to tell them the news?
Advocates Answers: You should applaud yourself for being sensitive to the difficult situation that your brother and sister-in-law are going through. Unfortunately they are not alone: 10% (6.1 million) women in the United States have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. So while you’ll want to be extra sensitive when telling your brother and sister-in-law, the truth is there are probably others around you who are silently struggling with infertility and will also feel emotional when they learn of your pregnancy.
Your brother and sister-in-law will eventually be happy for you; it will just take them longer to get to a place where they can feel authentically happy about your new bundle of joy. Hearing that you are pregnant for the third time will likely require them to digest the news at their own pace, so do them a favor and tell them well ahead of the visit. The last thing you want to do is to announce your happy news when they arrive, putting everyone in an awkward position.
According to fertility expert Rachel Gurevich, giving your brother and sister-in law space and time to digest the news is best done by writing them an e-mail. Gurevich also suggests giving them permission to feel lousy about the news by saying something like ‘"I know this may be hard for you to hear, and I just want you to know I understand that you may not be able to be happy for us right away." You may also want to give your brother and sister in-law the option of not visiting at all or postponing the visit until they feel better about the situation.
If they do choose to visit keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum and instead focus on other topics that you have in common. Ask what they would like to do to make their visit fun and plan activities around their interests. Your brother and sister in-law will feel supported and loved and it will make their difficult situation a little more bearable.
