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A Parent Asks: I have a friend with 2 kids of similar ages to my own kids. We are both stay at home moms. Lately I feel like she has been taking advantage of my generosity. She will stop by un-announced, our kids will begin playing and then she will say how she has a quick errand to run or needs to get groceries and is it fine for the kids to stay and play since they are having such a good time. The first few times it didn't bother me because my kids were having fun with her kids. Now I feel like she does this on purpose and is taking advantage. The last time she came by I suggested that it would be nice if we traded childcare one day a week in the summer: each of us tale a day out of the week and take the other's kids. Then we would each have one day without kids to get errands done. She basically said her summers were too spontaneous to plan something like that. So, now I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to lie and tell her I have plans when she comes over so she cannot dump her kids on me.
Advocates Answers: Good for you for not wanting to be taken advantage of! What you’re ultimately asking for is help in setting a boundary with your friend. Start by thinking about what you are willing to do and be honest with yourself. Maybe you’d be okay with a once a week play date at your house. Maybe it’s an absolute must for your friend to reciprocate. Whatever your line is, draw it and stick to it. Be prepared for the changes this might cause in your friendship, it may mean that you are no longer friends or that she will be mad at you for awhile. This isn’t a reflection on you; it’s a reflection on where your friend is in the process of learning how to be in a healthy relationship.
Setting boundaries is part of what helps us to create healthy relationships in our lives and is an important skill to master so that you can teach your children how to set and respect boundaries in their relationships. In fact, you’ve probably already taught your kids about some boundaries without thinking about it. For instance, when they were toddlers you likely had to teach them that hitting another person isn’t okay. To do this you communicated very clearly why we don’t hit other people and repeated the same reasons often. You may have had to set up consequences so your kids knew what would happen if they hit another child. This is the same process you’ll use to teach your friend that taking advantage of your generosity isn’t okay with you, it’s crossing a boundary.
Once you have decided what your boundary is, you’ll have to learn how to communicate this to your friend. Thinking again about how you might teach your kids about boundaries, come up with a simple and straightforward approach that includes letting her know that you are not okay with the current arrangement, tell her what you would find acceptable, and explain the consequence if she disrespects your boundary. She might not realize her behavior is unacceptable and you might find that having a straight forward conversation actually deepens your friendship and creates a new level of honesty. Regardless of her reaction, you will feel better knowing that you are respecting yourself enough to set a healthy boundary that benefits you and your family.
